It can be very difficult to change the way you think, especially after years and years of thinking one way. Since I was in high school I have been worried about my weight and getting too heavy. Funny, because I look back at pictures and think of times when I thought I was so big and fat when really I wasn't. I am heavier now than ever and that's after 20+ years of following some sort of diet, eating plan, or lifestyle change. No matter what I call it or why I told myself I was doing it, they were all still diets to lose weight, and they left me feeling worse than when I started.  I have spent over the last two decades worried about how and what I ate, how big I was (even at times when I wasn't big at all), and how to lose weight and keep it off. I felt shame and depression when I failed. I felt I had a lack of will power and that there must be a problem that lay within me. Why else could I not lose the weight or keep the weight off once I lost it? I was controlled and consumed with food.

I am coming to the realization that the years of dieting, negative thinking, and the negative view of myself are the real problems; not the weight. It isn't easy to change your mindset after years and years but I am trying. I have spent the last four months being on a non-diet. No dieting at all and no food rules. Eat what I want when I want and it is very freeing; scary but freeing. I did try to eliminate gluten recently but I quickly fell back into old ways and negative thoughts, so I just wasn't ready yet. I wanted to eliminate gluten for health reasons to see if it helped with my fatigue and joint/muscle pain. That was a big reason, but if I'm being completely honest I was also doing it to see if I would lose some weight as well. Not the right reason so I'm not pushing with that right now. I am trying to limit gluten but taking it one meal at a time and not getting too caught up in it.

I still want to be healthy (which is not about my weight) but right now I think my mental and emotional health need some fixing and healing first :)

As I talked about yesterday I was still have some struggles with my eating. I was trying to eliminate gluten for a few weeks for health reasons but I think I was quickly falling back into my old ways of thinking, which was not good. I was seeing the elimination more as a diet that I was failing at and was feeling sad and defeated.

There is a great free course offered; The Whole Batch Syndrome, which I had been meaning to do but kept putting off. I told myself I just didn't have the time or energy to put into right now but I think the real reason was I knew I was falling back into my diet mentality and I was feeling down. I did the entire course last night, and so glad I did. Several things she discusses were so me. I am not alone. That concept, on its own, can be so helpful in a time of sadness. She made one comment regarding doing various diets in her past and saying they were for health reasons but really, if she was being truthful with herself, it was for weight loss. I did that for years and think I may still be doing it to some extent. I want to feel better, of course, but it's always in the back of my mind about losing the weight.

I feel like I am ready to continue again. I am not looking at anything long term; just taking it one meal at a time. No more good foods vs bad foods, or being good vs being bad. I am eating what I want and need; and no weighing.

Had some Sweet Potato Hash with eggs this morning/afternoon; more of a brunch. Picked on some gluten-free crackers and cream cheese for a snack. Also had some chocolate peanut butter ice cream :) Dinner tonight was roasted veggies and chicken. Regardless of what I ate it's a great day because I feel good today! 

I will admit I am still struggling with my eating this past week.

I love the idea of no more dieting and am doing well with that but than decided to try and go gluten-free for a few weeks to see if it would help with some of my health issues; mainly fatigue along with joint and muscle pain. I am trying to do it as an experiment and not look at it as a diet because I don't want to fall back into negative patterns of thinking: bad foods, failure, weakness, diet, etc... I did really well my first week but than seemed to have a little gluten here and there throughout the rest of my week. I am not too concerned about eating the small amounts of gluten but more so how this week has made me feel. I am starting to have old thoughts creep in regarding my ability to follow thorough. I feel like I failed and I don't have any will power and need to be stronger. I know these thoughts are untrue and I need to take power over them, but it's still difficult. I am trying to get past this and continue on.

​Some of my eating this week; I will not say good and bad eating, but instead some gluten-free and some not gluten-free. I had homemade tacos on corn tortillas. I tried a new recipe for Honey Garlic Chicken that was pretty good. I made pizza, gluten-free crust for myself, pita pizzas for Hubby. We ate out on St. Paddy's Day and I had Shepherd's Pie and a delicious Guinness cake (not gluten-free). I did have a breakfast sandwich from Tim Horton's (sorry no pic, and yes it had gluten). Made a delicious Sweet Potato Breakfast Hash with eggs this morning and had wings at Wing"N It for supper (again no pic and not gluten-free).

Another great dinner club! Thanks Katie & Dave!

There was some picky foods to start, including an option of gluten-free crackers for me due to my new gluten-free experiment. Lots of wine and drinks were available; so glad white wine is gluten-free, woot woot! :) Our appetizer was a Caesar salad with dressings on the side.

The main was a make your own pizza theme. I will admit when I saw the menu last week I actually considered not going to dinner club this month because it would be too hard to eliminate gluten. Then I thought I would wait until after dinner club to start my gluten-free experiment as there was no point in starting if I knew I would "fail" that evening. Then I realized (after someone else suggested it, thanks Aglaee) that there was a third option. I could still start my gluten-free experiment as planned and still go to dinner club, and if I ate some gluten, so be it. It's not the end of the world and I will continue limiting or eliminating gluten again after dinner :) Wow, what an idea :)
Pizza was great. They had a large variety of toppings and even though they made their pizza dough from scratch they also bought gluten-free ones for me as an option :) Yay! I had the gluten-free and it was great.

Dessert was homemade pastry horns filled with whipped cream and melted chocolate. So yummy; and no, not gluten-free, but that's life. I made a choice to eat dessert, and they were delicious and so worth it. No guilt because not on a diet :)

I tried two new recipes this evening for supper. First we tried the Stuffed Avocado but I used baked, shredded chicken instead of tuna; as Hubby refuses to eat canned tuna. These were delicious. Definitely a keeper. I will likely try them with the tuna as well :)

Next we had the Greek Quinoa Salad. This was pretty good as well but not as good as the avocado :) Hubby didn't want the feta cheese mixed in so I just added some to the top of mine upon serving. It was a nice meal for a change of pace but I think it would make a better side dish for us. It has very nice flavors, and everything works well together, but felt like it was more of a side than a main. 

I am still trying to remain gluten free to see if my health improves; so far so good! I am feeling a little better but way too early to tell yet if it has anything to do with gluten. Breakfast was cereal (I mix two kinds together), gluten-free of course; with nuts, blackberries, and coconut. Lunch was leftover Chicken Fried Rice from last night's supper. I also had some dark chocolate and some avocado oil potato chips as snacks today. Again, not on a diet :)

It is day 3 of my gluten-free experiment. Things are going well. Absolutely no gluten for the past 3 days although I am still eating grains. I found my hands and feet didn't ache as much this morning upon waking, so that's a good sign.

Supper tonight was an oldie but a goodie: Chicken Fried Rice. I always find it funny when people ask me what I'm having with it. To me, Chicken Fried Rice is fine as a meal on it's own. It has chicken and egg for lots of protein, rice so it's filling (to me), and green peas for veggie :)

Day 2 of trying to eliminate/limit gluten is going very well. Absolutely no gluten yesterday or today and I even had pasta for supper tonight :) I found a yummy gluten free one that tastes good and doesn't have a big load of ingredients. I know there are people that will say corn is not good either, which is what this pasta uses, but right now I am only focusing on gluten. 

I questioned what to name this post. Didn't want to use any terminology representing a diet, because it's not, but want to know what the post is about from the title when looking back on it. I think experiment works well enough. It is day 1 but if there is a day that I happen to eat some gluten it won't be considered a failure and a need to restart back at day 1 again. I will simply continue on, now there's an idea :)

Did really well today. Feeling pretty good but always end up with good days and bad, this may just be a good day as it's only been a couple of days of limiting gluten. Today was my first full day completely eliminating gluten.

I started my morning with a coffee using whole milk and maple syrup. It was a good coffee too, one of those ones that you go back to get another sip and it's already gone and you feel a little sad. Breakfast this morning was an oldie but a goodie. After doing the Elimination Diet from Agalee Jacob's book Digestive Health with Real Food a couple of years ago, this was one of the breakfast options that I really enjoyed. I still like it (actually love it) but simply got out of the habit of making it. I fried up my ground meat last night while making supper; fried it up with zucchini and added steamed carrots. This morning I reheated it and topped it with a couple of fried eggs. Delicious and so filling. I wasn't ravenous by lunchtime.

Lunch was leftovers from last night's dinner; had some local pork with apples and onions and roasted veggies. Very tasty. Also had a chocolate for dessert (still eating chocolate presents from the kiddies from Valentines day). I checked the ingredients and no gluten :) Yay! You would be surprised where gluten can hide. Normally if I ate one chocolate I would have eaten several more if not all of them. The idea of "I already failed" by eating something bad so just as well to eat it all and start fresh tomorrow. Warped thinking, I know now, but how I thought on a regular basis. Now, just knowing I can eat as many as I want, whenever I want helps me not to go nuts and overeat. 

Snack today was a small bowl of trail mix. It's very yummy and has chocolate and is gluten free, so win win win :) Found it at Costco this past weekend, first time trying it and will likely buy it again. If, of course, I can ever find it again at Costco :) lol

Dinner tonight was Bruschetta Chicken with rice and veggies. Haven't had this in awhile either; forgot how good it was. I ended up making way too much food so I didn't eat everything on my plate tonight (that wouldn't usually happen in the past, I would have likely eaten it all). I split my leftovers from tonight with my leftovers for lunch for tomorrow and now have an extra meal for another day :)

The only drinks I had today, besides my morning coffee, was water. That's what I usually drink throughout my day. It's almost 8:30 here now so unlikely I will be having an evening snack as I'm still full from supper. If I do get a little picky later I have hard boiled eggs in the fridge. Have to be prepared :)

Time for a little update on my struggles with health, diet, and weight.

As most of you know I have tried every diet out there, and before you tell me I need to try a lifestyle change instead of another diet; well I've tried those too. No lasting success. I have come to realize (from the help and advice of Aglaee Jacob) that I have a disordered relationship with food which I need to address first. I have spent so much time and energy on following different diet plans that my views regarding food, my weight and body, and myself as a person have become negative and warped.

For almost four months now I have not been following any diet, meal plan, or lifestyle change. I am eating what I want when I want. No rules at all. It was very scary in the beginning but I am much happier with it now, and feel much more free. I didn't gain a huge amount of weight by not monitoring everything I ate and didn't eat, which was probably the scariest part of not dieting. I've stayed pretty much the same. I don't weigh myself as regularly now either and try not to let it get me down. I don't feel guilty when I eat (most times, still working on it). I am trying not to view foods as good or bad. I don't tend to over eat now like I did before, and I don't binge eat anymore. In the recent past I would decide to follow a new diet plan and then eat everything in site leading up to that diet. "If I can't eat it while dieting, I have to eat it all now". See, disordered eating and thought regarding food. I am trying not to let food run my life anymore. It is still a work in progress but I am getting there :)

What I am going to do now though is try limiting/eliminating gluten from my diet again. This may sound like I'm back on a diet, but believe me, I am not. The mind-set is different now. I think gluten may be affecting my health, negatively, as I've mentioned before. I am still seeing doctors and getting tests but still unsure of the cause of my health problems as of yet. I feel bad enough on a regular basis that I need to try something to see if I can feel better. I am not going to go all gung-ho like I usually would and follow an extremely strict diet plan and then get upset and depressed when I fail because it was too hard to sustain and completely unrealistic. I will try to not eat gluten for the next 3-4 weeks while monitoring my symptoms and see if there is any improvement. If I "slip-up" and eat some gluten; it isn't the end of the world. I will carry on. I will not be weighing and using weight loss or gain as a prediction of success or failure, only how I feel. This will be more of a learning experiment for my health and I'm taking it one day at a time.

I will try to post most days with the gluten free foods I will be eating, meal plans, recipes, and my general health problems and hopefully improvements. I am hoping my issues, problems, and experiences will help others out there. Believe me, you are not alone. Wish me luck!