Decided to do some clothes shopping for myself this past weekend. I am not a typical female shopper. I really do not enjoying buying clothes for myself at all. Things don't fit nicely or don't fit at all, I get all sweaty and hot and annoyed trying things on, and then I go home unhappy and feeling sorry for myself. This usually ends up with me binge eating something unhealthy; really smart I know, and then feeling even worse.

This day started off no differently but it did change at the end; thankfully.

It seems I have went up in size; was not happy about that but really wasn't a surprise either. I tried a couple of large size tops and actually almost had a panic attack in the dressing room. I thought I was stuck. Yup, actually stuck in a shirt. How embarrassing would that be to call out to a saleslady and say "Ahhhh, excuse me, could you help me get out of this shirt please? It seems I'm stuck and since I don't like how it looks on me, I don't plan to buy it, so it would be really hard for me to leave while still wearing it."
I calmed myself down and figured a way to get myself unstuck and out of the shirt that really must have been mislabeled as a large ;)

I really needed some new clothes as I have been wearing my work clothes (I teach pre-k so they are pretty comfy) all the time now. I ended up buying one shirt. Not good. I got home and was really upset and depressed and the first thing I thought....ok the second thing I thought was I really need to get on a diet (the first thing was what will I stuff in my face to make me feel happy for a millisecond). I know I have issues, but that's the point of my blogging. To face my problems, hopefully start dealing with them and living a better life, and hoping to help people along the way that may be feeling the same as me at times.

Thankfully, I didn't resort to my old habits. First time for everything :) I didn't binge eat anything and I didn't plan my new diet regime to start on Monday. I consider that progress. I even went back shopping, with Hubby, that evening. He saw I was sad and upset so he offered to come along with me, ahhhh some sweet :) Went to some different stores and actually tried a plus size store. The salespeople were so helpful and happy and I ended up finding clothes that fit and looked nice and I was happy with :) Yay! Win, win.

The first pic is how I felt the first half of my day. The second pic is how I felt during the second half of my day after trying different stores and finding clothes that fit and are made for bigger, curvier people.

It was our turn to host dinner club this past weekend. The menu was:
Meat & Cheese tray to start.
Appetizer: Caesar Salad.
Main: Mediterranean Chicken Pasta.
Dessert: Brownies with ice cream.

​I think it all turned out pretty good.

As I posted earlier, I am now not on any sort of diet. This is the first time in 20+ years that I have not been following some sort of eating plan or planning to start some new eating regime (on Monday, haha). It is a very scary thought for me, to eat what I want when I want and not have any specific diet rules to follow. It is also very freeing.

I feel happier and worried all at the same time. It is great to not feel restricted and deprived. It's so nice to attend family functions and not worry about what or how much I will eat. It's wonderful not to feel shame and sadness and not to feel like a failure because of what I have eaten. It is also scary because it is very new to me. I am fearful of not having any rules because I am afraid of what and how much I will end up eating. I am afraid of putting on piles more weight and feeling worse; physically and mentally. It just seems like I should be dieting and have food rules to follow because that's what I have always done and that's what all the books and "experts" say to do to lose weight and be healthy. This hasn't worked for me so far; that's why I am stepping out of my comfort zone and trying a completely different approach :)

Many of you may be thinking, "Of course you will gain weight if you eat what you want". I thought the same thing but it has been explained to me in a different way that does make sense, and I will admit I am noticing a change in my thinking and habits already. I will get into this in a later post :)

​Some of my food this past week :) There has also been restaurants, take-out and junk food; sandwiches, cheesecake, breakfast sandwich, chips, ice cream, and brownies; and I'm not feeling too bad about it.

For those who follow my blog you know I have been struggling with healthy eating, losing weight and being healthy for the last few years. For those who know me personally, you know I have been struggling with this for the past 20+ years.

For me, losing weight has always been difficult and as I get older it has gotten much harder. The last year or two it almost seems impossible. I have tried every diet out there. Some work for awhile but I always gain the weight back, and then some. Lately, nothing besides a full elimination diet (which is not sustainable long term) has worked to get any weight off. I still have several health problems which I can't seem to alleviate or find a root cause for, no matter how well I eat.

I am tired; tired in my body, my mind, and my soul.

Time for a change. For 20+ years I have followed some sort of diet, program, set of rules, lifestyle change, etc... No matter what name you give it, if it involves the idea of "bad foods", eliminating foods or entire food groups, sets of rules to follow daily, the feeling of deprivation, the feeling of failure or lack of willpower when you can't follow completely; then it is a diet. Believe me I was quick to adopt the term "lifestyle change" instead of diet. It allowed me to think I had a more positive view on how I was eating, as the word "diet" has such negative connotations. When friends and family would ask "Which diet are you on now?" or "Are you allowed to eat that?" I could happily answer with "It's not a diet it's a lifestyle change" or "I am allowed to eat anything I want but I choose to eat this or not to eat that". I have recently come to realize that all the "lifestyle changes" I have recently been doing are all still diets. No matter how you label it or try to sugar coat it; if you are eliminating certain foods and not eating what you want how you want then you are on some sort of "diet".

What I need to change is my mindset. What I need to change is how I have been dealing with my eating and my weight for most of my life. These diets have not been working so far so why continue with them? What I need to do is start seeing myself for who I am as a person and not for my weight alone. What I need to do is start speaking to myself in a positive manner; no more negative self-talk. I would never say to any of my friends or family the things I say to myself on a nearly daily basis. I need to make a change but it needs to start from within and be for me, as a person, and not as a number on the scale.

As of now, I am not on any diet. No food rules, no eliminating foods, no recording what I eat or my weight on a daily basis. This is a very difficult idea for me because I don't remember the last time I wasn't recording, weighing, measuring, limiting, or eliminating something. I am trying to get away from the idea of "bad foods". Trying to get away from the feelings of guilt, shame, and idea of failure when I eat something I consider "bad". Trying to get away from the binge eating. Trying to get away from the "I'll start on Monday" mentality. Trying to get away from all the negative ideas and feelings that come from years and years of dieting.

I have no idea how this will work out. I have no idea how or if my blog will change. Stay tuned to see :)

There is a Mac & Cheese Showdown going on during the month of November. God, help me now. I dearly love a good Mac & Cheese but think I may have a slight gluten problem and possibly a dairy problem :( This may not end well.

Mac & Cheese is a huge favorite of mine but it has to be super creamy and very tasty. There a couple that sound very promising on the list. I will have to limit the amount I will try so only planning to try the ones that sound really good to me.  Decided to give Tavola's a try and so happy I did :) Myself and Hubby went for supper and I was a little hesitant on getting the mac & cheese myself as a main because I thought the amount of gluten and dairy may not treat me well. Smaller amounts are usually fine. We decided to split it as an appetizer and OMG! I need more! It was fantastic, and no issues with half of one :) Super creamy and tasty mac & cheese, topped with tender and delicious pulled pork and then topped again with a tomato and onion salsa with bacon. Yum, yum, yummy! 

For mains we both had specials. Hubby had the homemade pasta special with veggies in butter and wine sauce. He thought it was fantastic. I had the Halibut special with a salad and it was delicious. I am not a big fish eater but the halibut was cooked perfect with a nice crispy sear on the outside. The salad was simple but so tasty with apple, goat cheese, and toasted pumpkin seeds.

For dessert we had specialty coffee and hot chocolate. Very nice. Tasty and not overly filling after a great meal.

Already planning the next visit for another Mac & Cheese; may get a whole one for myself this time :) 

Another new recipe tonight and it didn't disappoint. Very simple but very tasty. Tried Bruschetta Chicken Pasta and it will be a keeper :) I made it pretty much as written. Used a little less fresh pasta and a little more chicken and managed to get 5 good-sized servings.. Didn't have any fresh basil so used basil infused olive oil instead. Using local tomatoes from the farm and fresh pasta (not homemade but store bought, I'm not that good) make this recipe even better :)

Already looking forward to my lunch tomorrow :)

Love eating a delicious and filling breakfast. As I typed that sentence I thought, "I could really end it after the first 2 words and it would still be 100% true" :)

​This morning had a mish-mash of items for breakfast but it was all fantastic. Made scrambled eggs with green onion and chives. Baked some "bacon" in the oven (our bacon which is simply sliced pork belly marinated overnight in water, salt and maple syrup). Fried up the last of the local cherry tomatoes in basil olive oil and sprinkled with Parmesan. Also used the leftover Ground Chicken Sweet Potato Skillet from the other night. I said it would make a great breakfast meal and I was right :)

Purchased tickets, via Air Miles, to a dinner at Mallard Cottage for Hubby's birthday. We have eaten at the restaurant before and always love the food and atmosphere. Last night was a private event (tickets purchased with Air Miles only, I believe). It was sold out and done family style. Myself and Hubby went and were sat at a table for eight; so we got to meet some great people as well.

Had a lovely welcome drink on arrival; homemade crab apple puree mixed with sparkling wine. Red and white wine were provided throughout the evening; I was driving so only had the 1 glass of white, sigh :(

The appetizers included a tomato salad (sorry, no pic of that one but it was delicious), head cheese (sorry, not for me), and cod cheeks (battered, deep-fried, and with bacon; can't go wrong there).

Mains included a cod with gravy dish; coppa (pork) with veggies, and a curry chickpea dish. The cod was my favorite. I could have eaten that plate all by myself but probably would have to fight the others at the table for it :)

​There was also an assortment of desserts: shortbread cookies, pumpkin pie, blueberry tarts, almond cake, and homemade ice cream.

It was a wonderful evening out :) If you haven't tried this restaurant, you should. The food is always wonderful and most ingredients used are local, if not local then still Canadian. The atmosphere is great and service always top notch. I recommend reservations as they are always busy :)

Tried a great new recipe tonight for dinner: Ground Turkey Sweet Potato Skillet. I was looking forward to trying this one but Hubby needed some convincing. It turned out delicious and Hubby agreed :) Pretty much made the recipe as written but used ground chicken instead of the ground turkey due to personal preference. This is definitely a keeper, and planning to use the leftovers for breakfast tomorrow. Think it would make an excellent breakfast meal with eggs :)

Myself and Hubby made dinner together tonight. It was nice, had a drink and made an appetizer Caprese Salad while we prepped :) Love this. So simple but very tasty; and even better with fresh local tomatoes from Lester's. Didn't have any fresh basil so used basil infused olive oil instead :)